My Dearest Thyroid

A letter to the one part of my body that hates me the most

My Dearest Thyroid,

While you have trudged through life as a valued member of our closed society, we regretfully must insist on parting ways. As of noon Tuesday, your services will no longer be required.

Your performance of late, honestly, has been horrendous. You have allowed others into your workspace without regard for the impact those usurpers have caused on you—and our—overall environment. This disregard for the harmony and efficiency of our systems is inexcusable.

We had such high hopes for our relationship with you. That ended when you protested the environment, specifically by including the Nodules in your support group to implement change. While we understand the ten-week construction environment in which you were forced to live was not ideal, we do believe that your continued protests long after the situation was remedied have been unacceptable.

Other members of our society, such as Lungs and Heart, suffered through the environment as well, with Lungs quietly forging ahead and Heart only needing a minor, if frightening, adjustment. We’ve heard not a peep from Kidneys, Liver, Stomach, or Intestines, so your objections and protestations are clearly excessive.

So, with a fond farewell, we bid you adieu. Enjoy the next stage of your journey to the laboratory, where we understand you will assist in the future planning for our remaining society members.

We thank you for your service, but, in all honesty, we are happy—excited, actually—to see you go.

Sincerely,

Brain

Systems and Behavioral Analyst & Head of Human Resources

Written for comic and stress relief prior to my surgery. I hope it made you laugh.